Words and Wellbeing; How speaking from your core values creates better results in life.
By Heather Flanagan, PCC

CORE VALUE &
UN-VALUES
All behavior roots from either a core value or an un-value. A core value is a quality of being that emanates from within us. It includes things like “to serve my community” or “to live in a way that is sustainable for the earth.”

An un-value is something that motivates us that isn’t derived internally from our natural being. It is usually our attempt to bring approval to ourselves from the outside world or from our internalized version of what our childhoods required of us for survival and love. Examples of un-values include trying to please everyone, avoiding discomfort, or any other repetitive and addictive thought or behavior. Un-values are those thoughts that hook to us easily and that make us feel bad. They’re like Velcro made of poison ivy!

NOT GOOD ENOUGH
GOOD ENOUGH
The Not-Good-Enough (NGE) Good-Enough (GE) dynamic is a pitfall to living a life aligned with our core values. Most of us have some version of NGE running us at any time. These come in the form of thoughts such as “I don’t deserve love,” “I am unworthy,” “I am never enough” or “I never do enough.” These thoughts may live in us continually as low level noise. Or they may become more acutely triggered in us from more significant events. We then resist them and struggle to prove their opposite (GE). The feeling of GE that we get by perhaps going “above and beyond” in our fulfilling the needs of others never lasts and we inevitably return to feelings of NGE. This back and forth between NGE and GE takes a lot of energy!

Meanwhile, our dreams, visions, goals, and values are ignored. By identifying the NGE/GE mechanism, we free ourselves from the perpetual energy suck of resistance. We can choose for ourselves that we are good enough. We can also simply choose not to engage in the struggle by simply accepting the noise of NGE without having to put up the resistance that only serves to magnify the conflict.

TOOLS
Affirmations and meditation are tools to help us stay aligned with our core values. In my fantasy of perfection, we would have total control of our thoughts at all times. We would be in a ready state of “no mind” where our emotional waters are still and we take each moment in total presence. In my experience this is incredibly unrealistic but I still like to meditate. Indeed, meditation does help us to observe the mind do its thing in a more objective fashion, with purposeful, and sometimes difficult to achieve, detachment.

Affirmations are another way to work with the NGE/GE cycle. With affirmations we get to choose another bone for our minds to chew if we don’t like the thoughts we are stuck on. It is like positive redirection with a dog. Yelling at a dog for chewing your favorite Nordstrom clogs just freaks the dog out. Removing the shoe from said dog’s mouth and offering a tasty bone instead may take several iterations to stick, but it ultimately is a healthier choice for shifting the dog’s behavior. And a good affirmation can be such a tasty bone!

Affirmation Exercise: In my groups and workshops I like to do the following exercise. I have each member take a favorite or “pet” negative thought and then “flip” it to a thought they would rather be thinking. Each one then becomes a positive affirmation. For example, the negative thought, “I am a fraud” becomes “I am creating unique value for others.” The negative thought, “I screw everything up” becomes “I am a creative genius!” A thought like “I create chaos for others” changes to “I am on my life journey supporting others in their life journeys.” Ever think “I can’t trust myself to do enough” - how about “I am competent” instead?

Do you have a repetitive thought that you would like to flip? Go for it! Email me with your new thought if you wish: heather@heatherflanagan.com. I love this exercise as it brings up such feelings of freedom in those willing to do it.

VALUE RUBS
They happen! We cannot always be 100% aligned with our values because sometimes they are naturally at odds. I am committed to being a wonderful mother. I am committed to being an excellent business person and coach. These values can be at odds with each other. I am working towards balance and communication about my choices with my children, but I am not able to be all things to all values at all times. It is simply not possible.

UN-VALUES
They are not ‘bad’ and do not need to be pushed away. Think of them as our precious babies who need love and attention. Hold them close to your heart. This is to say, you are much, much bigger than fear, criticism, shame, blame and guilt. You are in the powerful position of being able to hold these elements of yourself in a loving and caring manner. You are a fine and sturdy container for all that’s been and all that shall be.

ADDICTIVE THOUGHTS A new perspective about un-values or negative self-talk or feelings is that we are actually physiologically addicted to the chemicals our brains send out when we feel these feelings. Every cell in your body has created extra receptor sites for, say, anxiety. Using affirmations and mind-full-ness about our core values retrains our brains to be less dependent on these chemicals (which feels like always waiting for the other shoes to drop if things are going well). So, when you practice affirmations try to experience the positive feelings you want them to evoke and help your body create receptor sites for good feelings!

NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
You can now look forward to negative self-talk!!! Really!
Yes! Now you know the secret that every time you feel yucky or have a stinky thought, it is your Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card. It becomes your signal to send great thoughts through your system. No longer think of using meditation of positive affirmations as counter-activating negativity but as transmuting your mind’s natural instinct to nay say into mental gold! Make it good. Think of your dearest dream, goal, or core value and declare it to yourself and thank your lucky stars you have negative self-talk to remind you of your vision for the future. It’s built in; we may as well maximize the opportunity it provides. Either way, you win. Either you will eliminate negative self-talk and possession by un-values, or you will have a handy-dandy alarm mechanism to remind you to focus your energy on your dreams and goals.

MY OFFER TO YOU
Would you like a free tool you can use right now to live a life in greater alignment with your values? Call or email me for a free Values Assessment and take the next step towards greater clarity and wellbeing!